If the feeling I had then were real, you would’ve been lying here next to me right now.. I have never been as happy as I was under that short period of time when I had you by my side.
You were perfect and everything I had ever dreamt of. Half a day after meeting you I had a consistent flow of butterflies in my stomach due to the knowledge of your existence. . You became my key, my warm summer and you fixed me up like a world leading surgeon. I awoke with a smile on my face that nothing could sweep away – I became indestructible. I could’ve never guessed that you would become that one thing that ever has managed to destroy me completely.
Some days I’m glad that I met you; that I actually had the chance to feel what I felt. Those days I’m not sad, I don’t cry, and there is no aching in my chest that refuses to let go. I know that I’m young and that there will be others. But you were my first and I don’t believe that I’ll ever get over you. I do believe that I’ll only accept the fact that you’re no longer in my life – but I’ll never be neutral against that thought. It doesn’t matter that you’re ill, that you don’t want me or that you made me just as sad as happy – you’re still the most beautiful thing I’ve ever had. The scar I gave you eventually stopped hurting and healed and then left a deformed and destroyed part of your skin. That’s exactly what will happen to my heart. One part will always belong to you. One part will remain as a scar, that don’t necessarily ache all the time, but will stay destroyed forever.
You’re still the one that pops up in my mind as soon as anything or nothing at all happens. When I’m lying here in my bed, alone and tired, you’re the one I want beside me. It was you I would’ve wanted beside me, that you were the one I shared that experience with. But you are gone. I don’t share anything with you anymore. I have no idea what you are doing, how everything went, if you like it, your dreams, plans and visions for the nearest future. And maybe that’s good. I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.
Writing this is yet another try for me to heal. Just like you, I heal and deal with everything that happens to me by writing it down. All I want for now is to get my bleeding, open wound to turn into that scar. I’m standing at the very same place I did that night we said goodbye for the very last time, and I feel that it’s time to take care of this. I still got so many unanswered questions, I’ve been analyzing everything we said and done, I still dream about you and is still hoping that you will turn up and acknowledge that everything was a mistake. But I’m smarter than that. One part of me knows that it never will happen. It isn’t my job to fix you. I now realize that the instant moment I told myself that I would be the one fixing you… That is the moment I turned myself and my own worth down. You have to fix yourself. And when that day comes, when I see you with a woman that will have you in the way I wanted you, I will break one last time. And after that, it’s my turn to be happy.
Thank you for sharing . I feels you :)
Dear SL ,
From someone who claimes that I was perfection in their eyes , from someone who stated they never wanted me to leave , he left . He tossed me aside , feeling invested , heart claimed , he left . He said we needed break , said he wasn't feeling what we had anymore . And for so long I blamed myself , so many tears have I spilled . So many bruised cover my heart.
So I wonder , when you walk down the road you took when you left , will you ever stop dead in your tracks and want to run back to me ? Will sorrow fill you up and tip you over and have you trying to wipe away all thesadness that has filled you up ? Will you miss me and my pure love ? Will you come back and snuggle next to me ? More importantly , in your heart - was that the best choice you made ? To leave someone who loves you , because truth be told , I still yearn for you .